I’ve been selling or managing salespeople since the ‘80s, and am now a consultant to printers. Over the past 25 years, I've attended more than my fair share of sales classes and webinars, and during them have eaten a skid of boxed lunches, doodled in the margins of a carload of notepads, ruefully considered the fact that I've never sold a damn thing sitting in a classroom, and wondered why no sales expert has ever taught the real stuff. To wit:

1. How to stifle a yawn. It’s Thursday afternoon. You’ve had a heavy lunch, the day is plodding along, the skies are heavy with rain, and you think you’ll go into Customer A and be able to make a decent appearance, sneak out, and be on your way home at 3:30pm. Maybe for a nap.

But Customer A is in a chatty mood, and seconds turn into minutes, and then next thing you know, a half-hour has passed and the exit door feels as far away as your last bonus check. You can feel the lids of your eyes drooping, and because you’re not doing any talking, you're barely breathing and your brain is starved for oxygen. You feel it then—the yawn—and you know that if you succumb, it will be met with shock, derision, anger, laughter, silent disappointment or any other number of responses, none of which you wish to face. So you stifle it.

This requires jaws of steel. Clench them. Clench them until your incisors scream for mercy. Do not allow your mouth to open, or your yawn will reveal itself. But here's the thing: You can clench your jaws, but inevitably, in stifling a yawn, your nostrils will flare. So...

2. How to keep your nostrils from flaring. It takes at least a decade of practice and exercise. While driving between calls, wear a swimmer’s nose clip. While it's affixed, try to open your nostrils. Do 3 reps of 10 each. The resistance provided by the clip will give you muscles that will allow you to do a 150-pound clean and jerk with your nose. But even if you successfully keep your nostrils from flaring, your eyes will water. So...

3. How to keep your eyes from watering. Don’t. When your eyes begin to water and your customer notes it aloud, take a deep breath and tell them about your grandmother/favorite uncle/best friend from high school, and how just before you’d walked in the door, you’d taken a call about the fact that they’d been hospitalized.

Next session: “Sympathy Works. How to Turn Your Personal Tragedy into Print Orders.”

Pat Detmer of The Quincy Group can teach your sales reps these handy tricks and many others. You can reach her at patdet@aol.com.